reality vs dreams

i had a dream about the boys last night.  it wasn't particularly a good dream-they were here in america but were in an orphanage that looked good but that i knew wasn't good.  but i was with them just the same and when i woke up i missed them SO much.  reality here distracts me so that each day is easier, but then something like a dream happens and it reminds me how much i miss them.....its so hard.

a definition

I've thrown out the label of 'special needs' to refer to our kids in terms of: "our case is looking good since there are three of them and we want to adopt all and also because they are special needs kids." I get worried looks from people when I say that and I rush to say "well, ya know, not REALLY special needs, just because of their history and such..." I feel like I have to defend them, to explain them and I haven't been really clear myself on what that label actually means. I was reading the book "Parenting the Hurt Child" yesterday and ran across a good explantion of the definition of the 'special needs' child in terms of adoption and also what goes along with that term. I think it really suits our situation and where our boys are coming from....

"The term 'special needs' is one that sends chills down the spine of a potential adoptive parent, because it suggests that the child has a severe intellectual or physical impairment. In truth, the adoption world defines 'special needs' as any child who is not an infant, is part of a sibling group, had prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, has had multiple caregivers, or who has been the victim of neglect or abuse. In essence, nearly all adopted children, regardless of their place of birth, fit the definition."

hollow

This week has been hard.  I miss the boys so much.  It is a overwhelming feeling to love someone so fiercely and miss them so fervently and know that you can't see them or hold them anytime soon.   

We had such an amazing time in Nica recently.  We spent so much time with the boys and got to know them and their individual personalities even more.  The flip side of that is that now I just have that much more to miss.

I miss Steven pointing things out to me with wide eyes and saying "alla!"  (over there!) I miss his mischievous smile and the way he immediately calmed down when I sang to him.  I miss hearing his new words like 'banana'.  I miss looking up and seeing a wild smile of joy on his face as he flings himself into my arms.  I miss him calling me 'mama'.  And the way he would yell it out with such urgency whenever he needed to show me something.  I miss his serious and focused way of putting everything not bolted down into a drawer, cabinet or nook....and then taking them out and doing it all over again.  I miss his smile.  I miss the feeling I got when I was the reason for that smile.  I miss holding his hand.  I miss playing silly games with him that caused the sweetest laughter I have ever heard.  I miss the joy that sprang into my heart every time he lifted his arms up to me to be picked up.  I miss hearing him ask for 'mas' (more) when we were playing and cuddling.

I miss Carlos' crazy energy, his incredibly unique way of communicating, his overflowing, contagious joy of life.  I miss how excited he was to have a flashlight and the way he shined it out his open window at trees, buildings and people on the way home one night.  I miss hearing him yell my name and jump into my arms when we arrived each morning.  I miss watching how with such gentleness and sweetness he took care of the kittens at the house.  I miss his curiosity and adventurous spirit.  I miss his love of taking photos, even if they are never of people's faces and are usually out of focus.  I miss the way he asked for water by spelling it again and again and how it took us so long to figure out what he was saying because he spelled it so fast and with a 'w'.  A-W-U-A  'ah-doblevey-ooh-ah'   And how sweet and patient he was to slow it down so we could understand.  I miss the way he laughs with his mouth wide open.  I miss his smile that truly stretches from ear to ear.  I miss his beautiful mop of curly hair.  I miss the pure joy on his face as he played in the sprinklers.

I miss Giovanni's calm presence.  I miss his 100 watt smile and the way he would shyly lean into me when I put my arm around him.  I miss having him sit on my lap while we watched TV. I miss him reading aloud every word he set his eyes on.  I miss watching him draw or work on a puzzle with such focus.  I miss learning spanish from him and the patient and humble way he would teach me when I asked him for a word or if I was saying something right.  I miss watching him take care of Steven, being silly, singing to him or saying 'shhh shhh' when Steven was upset.  I miss being his mom, worrying over him, taking care of him, soothing him when he had a fever.  I miss watching his face light up as we talked about Washington, about the snow and the cold and the rain.  I miss the way he clung to me in 'un abrazo como un oso' (a bear hug).   I miss his goofy faces.  I miss sitting with him in the rocking chair with my cheek resting on his head and my arms engulfing him.  I miss the tenderness and strength that I sense in him.

I miss my boys.