Wednesday, April 8, 2009

God is in the details

we are at the point in our process where we have gathered all our documents, even re-gathering some as we did it wrong the first time, and we are ready to send in our precious packet to the secretary of state and then the nica consulate to be authenticated. this is the LAST step that we need to do here in the states!

i've been basically stacking all our documents inside a folder but that is as organized as i have been. as i went to gather them all and put them in order to double check they were all there and prepare them to ship out, i realized i was missing one document. and i could not for the life of me remember where i had put it. add to that that our main living/working area is in complete disarray right now because of remodeling and nothing is where is should be. i checked the 3 places i thought it could be with no luck. i needed to get to work so i said a quick prayer to God to help me find the documents thinking i would look again when i returned home. but about 20 seconds after i said that i noticed a manila folder on our kitchen counter. i stopped and stared at it trying to figure out what it was. it had been there for weeks, under a pile of papers that i had just that morning went through and i had had it in the back of my mind that it was some semi-important mail that i had already looked at but had to find a place for. i thought "could it be?!?!"
and it was! the lost documents. i couldn't believe it!

God is so good all the time and He has been in the big parts and the details of this process since the beginning. what a sweet reminder that He is in charge!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

its a huge responsibility

last night i couldn't sleep, like always, but was also plagued with anxiety-filled dreams when i could sleep. somewhere in there, i can't remember if i was asleep or awake, i was worrying about gio and how we only have a few years before he is a teenager and all that that encompasses. i was thinking: 'how are we going to teach him about healthy, Godly relationships in the little time we have, especially with the language barrier? will we be able to instill all we want to instill in him before peer pressure and today's culture influence him?"

he is the one i most worry about for many reasons: he's the oldest which means he has been without a family the longest, has experienced the most neglect and abuse, has vivid memories of his birthmom and, thus, really feels her abandonment, and has the added pressure and burden of having to care for his younger siblings, including a sister who is not with them. he has also figured out how to hide his emotions and utilize self control. he keeps his emotions inside and is embarrassed and ashamed of them; when he is mad or sad and i tell him that he is wonderful, worthy, and loved-that he didn't do anything to deserve the life he has been dealt-he can't even look me in the eye, the shame and guilt are so great. it breaks my heart.

today is just one of those days where the worries overwhelm me; i guess that comes with the territory of being a parent. i think have the added stress of not being with them. not being able to DO something to ease my worries, makes it that much harder for me. plus, my mind is very good at conjuring all sorts of 'what ifs' and going over past circumstances again and again looking for what difficult emotions or behaviours might have been hiding under the surface.

but i know, too, that this waiting period is for a reason. to build us up, to strengthen us, to educate us so that we are more prepared to deal lovingly, knowledgeably and compassionately with all that our boys are bringing with them into this family. i know that we will never be fully prepared, just like everyone else who has become a parent. and even after 11 years of marriage, 11 years of waiting, i still feel like i have SO much more to learn, SO much more to grow. i guess one of the many wonderful aspects of parenting is how much you learn and grow because you are a parent. i look forward to it all, despite the worry and anxiety.